Those in the news media are just like you and me. They may not have the same interests as you and me, and they may not have the same capabilities as you and me, and they may not have as much money as you and me… well, maybe they have as much money as you —maybe even more— but they certainly don’t have as much money as me. The point is they have their opinions, as you and I do, but when a journalist expresses his or her opinion it has a much greater and far-reaching effect than when you or I express our opinions. After all, our opinions don’t appear on the front page of a newspaper and our opinions are not expressed on the six o’clock news.

There’s a word for this, and that word is partisanship. In other words—and when you’re a candidate for the presidency of the United States you’re never at a loss for words, and if you are, and you’re as wealthy as I am, you can just hire someone to come up with more words—where the media should adopt a purely impartial, unbiased attitude in reporting the news and commenting on the various presidential candidates, instead it favors—sometimes subtly and sometimes blatantly—one candidate over another. Short of buying the newspaper or the radio or TV station and firing the offending individuals, which I could do if I wanted to, there’s not much that can be done about this practice.

If you just watch any of the numerous “talking head” shows on the tube you can’t help but notice that some journalists favor one candidate over another. Sometimes this is evident by what they say. Other times it’s evident by their reaction or the expression on their faces. A sneer, or a rolling of the eyes, or an unstifled laugh, or a guffaw, or a blurted out obscenity are dead give-aways of the personal preference of the talking head in question.

The good thing is that two can play this game. By that I mean that candidates for public office, specifically the presidency, can make known their personal preferences regarding any of these bozos on the endless list of talk-radio and talk-TV shows, and, for that matter, any of the pompous airheads writing for major publications. Think that’s hard to do? Not if you’re loaded, and brother… I am loaded. I’ve got more money that all these TV and radio stations and newspapers and magazines combined. I could go on TV 24 hours a day, seven days a week, sneering and rolling my eyes and laughing and letting loose with loud guffaws and generally cursing up a storm at the mere mention of the name of one commentator or writer or another.

This upcoming presidential election is too important to be decided by the press. There are too many important issues at hand—issues such as education, public health, job creation, fiscal responsibility, illegal handguns, affordable housing, poverty, the environment, and the arts, issue I have addressed in great detail—to have the press influence how members of the general public will cast their votes.

I say it’s high time for the voters in this great country of ours, this land of opportunity, to tell the bloviators of the press and the air waves that they’ve had enough. Each and every voter in the United States should feel free to go into the voting booth this fall and pull the lever next to the name of the wealthiest candidate running for president. After all, it’s what our founding fathers envisioned. It’s the American way.

I remember how excited I was when I made my first million. I couldn’t have been more than three years old at the time. Of course I’ve been excited on many occasions since then; for example, when I founded my company, Bloomberg L.P. And, of course, I was excited to first be elected mayor of the City of New York, and then to be re-elected. But today I’m excited for a different reason. Today I’m excited because I am making it official that I am running for President of the United States.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking: Mike, you’re a billionaire. Mike, you’ve already had a number of successes. Mike, you’re at the age where you should be thinking of slowing down, taking it easy, turning over the reigns of power. Well, sitting back and relaxing is not my nature. Not my cup of tea. It’s not in my designer genes.

We’ve had great success in New York City during my time as mayor. I want to build on those successes on replicate them on a national level. I fully realize that running for president is a daunting task, one that requires discipline, time, and money. Folks, I’ve got discipline. While other boys were out playing stickball, I was reading stock quotes. Other boys could tell you a ballplayer’s batting average; I could rattle off how much GM stock sold for. Give me a company name and a date and I’ll tell you what its stock was selling for that day, right down to an eighth of a point.

Just glancing at my Rolex watch I can tell you that time is something I’ve got plenty of. If, for some reason, I were to run out of time, I’d just buy myself another Rolex. Not a problem. As for money … well, do we even need to go there? I could cover the cost of running for president—and the expenses of both my Republican and Democratic opponents—without batting an eyelash.

You may be asking yourself what issues comprise my platform. Let me list them for you. First, there’s education. If I am elected president I will put every kid in the country through college. I’ll even put them through grad school. You want a PhD? Not a problem.

Second comes public health. If you’ve got your health you’ve got everything. Well, maybe not everything. You may not have a lot of money. But you won’t need a lot of money because I’ll be paying most of the bills.

This brings us to number three, job creation. I built Bloomberg L.P. from scratch and gave lots of people jobs. With my money I can build other companies and give lots more people jobs. High-paying jobs. You’ll all have secretaries. Unemployment will be a thing of the past.

Next comes fiscal responsibility. Well, one thing about having a lot of money is that you want to have a lot more money, and the only way to have more money is to be fiscally responsible, or to hire people who are. See? More jobs created.

Fifth, I’ll reduce the number of illegal guns. One of the most frequent uses of illegal guns is to rob banks. If everyone has a good job and is making good money, why would anyone need to rob a bank? Without bank robberies some bank guards will no doubt lose their jobs, but we’ll just create new jobs for them.

Affordable housing is sixth on the list. As president, I’ll be living in the White House, and while that may be a step down from my Upper Eastside townhouse, it certainly will be affordable. When I’m president everyone will be so educated and so healthy and so gainfully employed and so fiscally responsible that they’ll be able to afford their own housing. It might not be on the scale of the White House, and it may not have an oval office, but it will be rather comfy nonetheless. You may even be able to hire a maid. See … more jobs created.

The seventh item—reducing poverty—we need not even go into. With everyone working and going to school and being healthy, who’s got time to be poor? See how this is all coming together?

The next to the last item is our environment and long-term sustainability. Not much to say here either. When you’re well-educated and healthy you have a good job and you work long hours … no time to mess up the environment.

Last, but not least … arts and culture. Rich people—and when I am president you’ll all be rich—are cultured. Rich people enjoy the arts. They don’t eat fast food, and when you don’t have to deal with a lot of fast food wrappers you don’t find yourself in a position where you have to litter. So, the environment is cleaner. You don’t get fat from eating too many French fries. You’re healthy. And as a cultured person you know the difference between French fries and home fries. You’ll even find yourself saying pomme frits instead for French fries. You’re educated. Even if you do eat French fries, you know where to get the best deal. Fiscal responsibility. Naturally, if you don’t eat French fries, you save money. Again, fiscal responsibility. You don’t make French fries at home … affordable housing. And best of all, you don’t walk around carrying a gun.

I hope I’ve made my positions on these critical issues clear. I am now asking that you support me wholeheartedly in my bid for the presidency. You don’t have to donate money … I’ve got plenty of that. Just pull the lever next to the name Bloomberg. I’ll be running as an Independent. Together, we can get this country moving in the right direction again.